~~~~Let's hear some good ones. Please keep as clean as possible but funny as well. Edit profanity with "*" All jokes accepted! No holds barred!~~~~



A young woman goes to the supermarket, purchases a half dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and a half gallon of milk. After gathering the items she puts them on the checkstand to be wrung up for the purchase. A man standing behind her in line looks at the items that shes purchasing, then looks at her and says, "So, I can tell you are single"...The young woman, puzzled as to how the man might be able to make that determination from the items shes purchasing, finally turns towards him and says, "Why yes, I am single. But how were you able to know that based on the items I am buying?"..................The man looks at her and says, "BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY!" :eek:

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.



When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.



The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"



The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick
white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for?



The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your a** and go as a fudge-sicle

Two old ladies, Harriet and Myrtle, were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. Harriet pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Myrtle: What's that?
Harriet: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Myrtle: Where did you get it?
Harriet: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Myrtle hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so f***ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sl*ts and a f@g!"

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came
from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up
from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh*t! That must
be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked
he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed
himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started
to run as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he
returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you
running....you Son of a B*tch !!!'

12 views and no one replies? Or even contributes? Come on! Join in on the laughs!

Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?' Mom replies,'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's
that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took
a rag, soaked it in the gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with
it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle
on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with
No dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she 's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

TRIPLETS
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street..when a masked robber ran out of a local bank, and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in, because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters, and a very healthy son. All was fine for 16 years... and then one daughter walked into her Mom's room in tears. "What's wrong?", asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out!", replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay, and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later, the second daughter walked into the room in tears..."Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again, the mother told her not to worry, and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week after this, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay", said the Mom, "I know what happened. you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog...!"

Two weasels are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams: “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other weasel will say. The first again yells: “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says: “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”

--A lady walks into Tiffany's. *She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.* As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a s ales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,

'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price.'

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I’m so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. Time passes, and MORE time. Finally the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a f**king pharmacist!"

one day lil jonny is in the park eating a candybar

there is an old guy sitting next to him and after lil jonny inhales 6 candybars, the old guy says.....u know its not good to eat alot of candy like that....it might give u a stomach ache.

lil jonny says u know what.....my grandpa lived to be 111 years old …..

the old guy says by eating 6 candy bars a day ?

lil jonny replies “ no....by minding his own f**king business!”

Heres another one ...

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that’s mommy’s sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It’s over at Mrs. Johnson’s house, and Daddy’s washing his face in it!"

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counseling after 25 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands
on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched
with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'this is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

In honor of the canadian who thought I was making fun of him because he was missing a sarcasm detector, I love you.

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."

A man was sitting in a bar, every couple minutes he would pour some beer on his hand. Finally the bar tender asked him what he was doing, he looked at the bar tender and said "Getting my date drunk"

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my ****".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and d*ck mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "sh*t" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "f*ck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your d*cks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the sh*t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Bank robber runs into the bank and demands all the money in the tills, which is duly handed over.

To cover his tracks and reduce his chances of doing time he runs up to the customer in the queue behind him and shouts "did you see me just rob this bank?"

"Yes" said the guy so the bank robber shot him in the head!

The bank robber then turns to the next customer and says "did you just see me rob this bank?"

"No" said the second customer "but my wife did and she is prepared to testify!"

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

A Japanese girl was having her pu**y licked and accidently farted. She said " oh me so sorry. You make front hole so happy, back hole blow you a kiss!"

You might be a redneck... if you've ever made party punch in a bathtub!

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Thats so awesome! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A man is in bed with his and they are both naked. The man reaches over and tries to get things going with his wife. Then she quickly states that she can't fool-around cause she has a visit with her gynacoligist in the morning. The husband rolls over very upset. Then after a few seconds, he rolls over quickly and ask "DO YOU HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW?"

A man is in bed with his and they are both naked. The man reaches over and tries to get things going with his wife. Then she quickly states that she can't fool-around cause she has a visit with her gynacoligist in the morning. The husband rolls over very upset. Then after a few seconds, he rolls over quickly and ask "DO YOU HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW?"

Bwahaha!!! Keep em coming guys.

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks, "What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off six inches."

The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.

There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-*-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!

your the only one posting these jokes wtf?! lol every1 must be having a good time with palmala handerson haha

Do you know why Mexicans dont make good Firemen?

Because they get confused between Jose and Hose B.

HAAHAA

Grills for your teeth $2000, Oldsmobile Cutlass $3000, 30" rims $5500, Cant buy gas or rent and looking like a retard hood pimpin, Priceless
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random pix lol
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e253/lonegreen/michelin-baby.jpg
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^^Bwahahaha

i thought u would like that

for our aniversary my wife said she wants to go somewhere she's never been before. i suggested the kitchen.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

just an awesome baby lol look at his bib haha :D
http://www.phun.org/newspics/funny_friday/3860.jpg

why dont seagulls fly over the bay?


cuz if they did they'd be bagels!!!!

Three girls just became nuns. They were sent to the church to pray and study. The church was really hot and the girls were not used to wearing the big heavy robes. They looked around and noticed the church is empty. They quickly locked the doors and undressed to get more comfortable and continued to pray and study. All of a sudden they hear knocking at the door. They ask "who is it" and they hear "THE BLIND MAN" The girls look at each other, shrug and decide to let the man in and join them. As they open the door they see the man standing with his eyes wide open and he says
"Holy crap those are nice tits!! Now, where do you want these blinds installed?"

Two 8 year olds decide they are going to get married. The boy, Timmy , deciedes he wants to talk with Bettys' dad.

So timmy sits Bettys' dad down and breaks the news.
"Sir, Betty and I decieded to get married".
The father, in his head, thinks "Thats cute".
"Where will you live" asks the father
"Bettys' room is bigger, so thats where we'll live" says Timmy
"Okay, How will you support my daughter?"
"Well with her allowence and mine combined, we should be okay" says Timmy
The father then asks, "What if you guys have children" Thinking he will stump Timmy.

Timmy sits there for a minute then replies.
"Well, we've been lucky so far"

Ha..ha...ha...realy good jokes.......:D

Hey I liked it.It was very interesting and funny jokes.I enjoyed it.Thanks for sharing it with us.

These jokes are incredible.I really loved them.They are so funny.I kept on laughing while posting.Great from where did you guys get these jokes.Do post some more again.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this...

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UPthe house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... it is time to shut UP!

Wow! Its incredible.I really loved reading the jokes.They are so funny.Thanks for sharing.

And some folks think that all the smart people work on Wall Street OR
for the Government in Washington, D.C

A Cowboy from Laramie , Wyoming , walked into a bank in New York City
and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was
going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's
president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from
Wyoming for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly
sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and
financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a
large number of wind turbines around Laramie , Wyoming . What puzzles
us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole Wyoming boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I
park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there
when I return?"
Don't mess with Cowboys.

I got this as an email the other day, just thought id share it

AS I MATURE

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more screwed up then you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends..trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen

If not...tough shit

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.

The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

I can't believe Matthew Upson just named his first born son 'Chin'.

- Son, a little bird told me you're doing drugs
- Hey paps, you're the one talking to birds and I'm the one doing drugs????

A young boy was exploiting his body when he noticed his testicals
- Mom, is these my brain?
And his mother:
- Not yet, honey....not yet!

- Control tower, this is flight xxxxx.....I am in 11.000 ft, 400 miles from the airport and engines running on fumes. Waiting for instructions.
.
.
.
.
.
- Repeat after me: "Our Father, in heaven, hallowed thy name................."

A guy takes his camel to the mechanic
- We were walking along just fine and suddenly he sat down and wouldn't budge an inch
The mechanic looks at the camel and says to the guy to put it on the ramp.
He goes from behind with a 36 wrench and slams the camel's testicals and the camel makes the 1/4 mile in 3 sec
The guy shouts
- You moron.....how am I supposed to catch it now?
And the mechanic, cool as a cucumber, says
- Hop on the ramp!

The wife wanted me to buy her something that went 0 to 200 fast....I got her a scale.:D

Here's a couple that made me laugh:

1. I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

2. I just discovered that my dad has alzheimers. It must run in the family because my dad has it as well.

http://smiles.kolobok.us/artists/just_cuz/JC-hysterical.gifhttp://smiles.kolobok.us/artists/mother_goose/MG_119.gifhttp://smiles.kolobok.us/artists/just_cuz/JC-hysterical.gifhttp://smiles.kolobok.us/artists/mother_goose/MG_119.gifhttp://smiles.kolobok.us/artists/just_cuz/JC-hysterical.gif

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar



... and doesn't.

A friend's joke that, in my opinion, reflects our politicians trully......

Seeing God the huge problem that Greece is in and the great difficulties the faithful Greek people are facing , He decided to send His Son back to Earth to stand by the Greeks.

Jesus appears before the Greek Parliament and after a warm speech, with sympathy and support for Greece, He announces that erases all the debts of the country, brings large investments, provides a 100% increase in wages for all Greeks and delete individual loan's depts.

All Members of the Greek Parliament stood up cheering. Shouting of joy and satisfaction from all political sides.

Then Jesus says:
- Only in one condition!

Everybody hushed and waited to hear.

- Everyone will quit and no one will not be a candidate MP again!!

Deathly silence in the room.
Some of them answered that they should convene the parties to decide.

- Very well. I will wait your answer tomorrow morning, said Jesus.

The next day, the Parliament's President gives Jesus the unanimous response from all wings of the House, which was:
- Denouncing the intolerable interference of God in the internal affairs of the country!
I hope the translation worked out correct......

Two guys robbing a bank
- Search them.....
- All of them?, asks the other robber
- Yes, you idiot, all of them
- Even the granny? (an 80 years old lady among the customers)
- Yes, of course you j**k.....even the granny!
After the body search, the first robber says
- Drop everybody on the floor
- All of them?
- Yes, you m*r*n, all of them
- The granny too?
- Yes, stupid, granny too....and take every woman's clothes off. I am gonna rape them
- Every last one of the women?
- Yes, f**kface, every last one of 'em!
- Granny too?

And the granny
- YEAH YOU A****LE..... granny too!

A Wal Mart Greeter was most prideful for his ability to read people and the folks that visit his fine store.

The first lady come walking up "Welcome to Wal Mart, aisle 5 is where you will find the can openers in housewares." The lady was amazed, "Thank you, how did you know??" He responded, "Ma'am, I am a professional and well trained Greeter."

A Man walks up, "Welcome to Wal Mart, Sir. Aisle 27 is where you will find that extra set of floor mats for your truck." The man was amazed, "Thank you, how did you know??" He responded, "Sir, I am a trained professional and well trained Greeter."

Lastly, a woman with a concern look on her face hurriedly walked up, "Welcome to Wal Mart Ma'am (quietly he said), feminine products are in aisle 45 in the health and beauty section." The woman with a further concerning look said, " I have a flamming case of diarrhea...."

The Greeter, not missing a beat, holding his forefinger and thumb about a half and inch apart, "Oooh, missed it by that much!"